TMI

My two biggest, nail-biting, late-night terrors related to the Bali trip are, one, keeping Auggie safe and non-screaming and, two, surviving my illness.

Regarding Auggie, I have contemplated (obsessively) multiple scenarios and then problem-solved for a multitude of frustrating or terrifying instances. At this moment, I actually feel pretty good about traveling with the whirling dervish. Must be the pharmaceuticals and expensive video games, two great soothers. And, to be honest, he's become a little man that is fun to be around, generally reasonable. Generally. Just in case, I AM wearing tennis shoes (albeit, cute maryjane tennies), prepared to chase him down the airport runway at the drop of a hand. I am nothing if not a problem solver.

My illness. This issue is not so easy to circumvent. If it was, I'd be back at work.

Background: February 2010 I contracted mono, I was diagnosed in March. I did try to return to teaching high school English classes in late May (luckily, my coaching season was over by then - Speech and Debate) but was only back at work for a week and 1/2 before the mono symptoms were once again full blown and I had two different secondary infections. I was in bed for weeks, unable to even turn my head because of sickening dizziness.  For months, I could barely walk up stairs. Sometimes, I couldn't at all. My limbs were flooded with lead, my tonsils were grotesquely swollen and my liver and spleen hurt.

I say "were" but I mean "still." Walking up stairs is exhausting, as is taking a shower or . . . well, anything.  And exhausting doesn't just mean really tiring; exhausting means if I exert myself mentally or physically for an hour (sometimes a half hour), my limbs stop working, my gums swell, my throat reddens painfully, my right eye blurs, my the joints in my fingers feels like grinding glass, I can't walk across the room without sitting down, I can't hold Auggie and, worst of all, I start slurring like a drunk. Then comes the insomnia (crazy, I know).  Even if I haven't exhausted myself by daring to scrub down the bathrooms or writing curriculum, I have short term memory loss, including recent incidents, tasks and vocabulary.

Chronic Epstein Barr Virus (mono is the infectious side of EBV) has led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is mortifying to explain I am out on medical leave because I have a disease that sounds like I'm just fucking tired. Though, I AM tired. Oh, I'm tired. That's all I say. "Sigh, I'm tired." "I'm so tired." "Ugh, I wish I wasn't so tired." It's my mantra. Every time I catch myself saying it, I punch myself in the eye. Hence, the Stevie Wonder sunglasses. I don't want Andre to go jail for spousal abuse; who would walk up the stairs with my tea?

The next person that says, "Oh, hon, working makes us ALL tired - you just need to build up stamina" is going to be wearing the Stevie Wonder glasses. And a face cast. If I can gather the energy to throw the punches. I taught for 15 years, teaching and coaching all year. I know what it is like to be beat, bushed, worn down, pushing through the flu -- I've done it all. When it comes to work, I'm a go getter. I don't do anything half assed even if it means sleeping in the teacher lounge (which I HAVE done, running my first speech tournament). My disease is not something I can push through. It will kill me. Literally.

I am better. I can walk up stairs, even if I'm pretty slow. For a couple weeks in a row, I can work out on an elliptical for 30 minutes every other day. I'm starting to recognize how far I can push myself, what my level of capability will be for that day. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to go weeks without working out on the elliptical, that cooking dinner is going to be my exercise, but that I have to exercise when I can. I finally realized that having a conversation with even one other person is exhausting because I have a hard time controlling my entertainer/storyteller instincts, meaning I up my energy output to please people and I didn't even know it until now. Talking to people can actually make me sick. Damn depressing. No talking = second year of medical leave.

Stress will deplete whatever reserve I have in 2.3 seconds. No kidding. Any stress at all puts me in bed. For instance, the last day I visited the high school was to help the seniors during their graduation practice. Just being around people and using my brain had drained me but I was happy to see the staff and kids. It ended with a school-wide lockdown; the seniors, other staff and I were herded into the weight room. We waited quietly for 45 minutes, never knowing if there was an actual shooter on campus or if it was a threat. The door was tested from the outside twice. I almost had a stroke each time. By the time there was an all-clear, I was shaky. I was in bed by two that afternoon and didn't leave for two days. Not because I was a little tired but because I was lead-filled and nauseous, slurry. I missed graduation for the first time in 15 years. Sick AND despondent.

I am scared. Not of flying, but of getting off the plane in a wheelchair. In two days we're going to be driving for five hours, flying for twelve hours, layover for five, flying for five and half hours, going through customs, persuading them to give us the longer visa pass. Thank you god, we have a driver that will be meeting us at customs (holding up a "Holly Lorincz" sign like I'm a rockstar). I have valium. I might take a minimal dose before our drive - not for me, for Andre and Auggie's sake. No need to make it easy to drop me off at the sanitorium. Did I mention our flight leaves at 2 a.m.? Yeah. Nice. I'm trying very hard to look at it like this: it will be as it is, it will all work out, I will be able to sleep while Auggie is out.  I can do this if I just don't stress out, if I go with the flow. You know, change my whole personality. Rely on Andre to resolve every problem. Yep, that sounds like me.

The benefits will SOOOOOO outweigh the harms. I believe that with my whole heart. I will see amazement and wonder through Auggie's eyes. I will visit healing temples and see one of my dearest friends. We will snorkle and soak up sun every day. We will eat delightful fruit and make new friends. We will ride elephants and swim with Nemo. We will be part of a beautiful, spiritual culture. I will not have to wear a cardigan.